Part 7: Nostalgia Can Kill

“Stand here in this small town, and tell me how it feels”-Julia Stone. 

Sitting here in this little town feels like I’m stuck in a vacuum tight jar unable to breathe; the air clearly presented in front of me. I've skipped a large portion of my life: the part where I’m supposed to believe in love and fairy tale, cliche phrases and wildest assumptions. I've jumped straight to the conclusion where I’m walking the tightrope that could potentially lean either way leaving me exposed. I’m at the stage, only the beginning, starting to develop life long interests and longings for much too familiar places. Strangely enough- I've never visited, ...nostalgia. Nostalgia is a prominent figment my thoughts wander to everyday, without notice. Out of many upon thousands of unfortunate feelings this perhaps is one of the worst, longing for something you're not sure you will ever see. The tightrope could go either way really, backfire or serving as a solution. With this burning inside for a place my mind has no vision of, I let, once again, words speak.

‘Nostalgia Can Kill’ 

By: Rylee Stevens

(original poetry) 

I've wasted my thought process recalling old memories,

hung up on coat racks. 

I've wasted my love on the idea of leaving here, 

going back-

Only to find myself stuck in the ditch that sunk deeper and deeper beneath the surface, 

seems the deeper I go the more sadness builds up inside my bones.

Screaming, 

“Do not forget me!” 

I will always be here!

do not forget the very thing that you signed your life over to the moment you fell flat on your face!

Truth is the more you think you know

the less you actually capture.

“Do not forget me”... I hear.  

I was the one you caught you while the brick pile remained on the ground,

your broken bones were pieces I took the dignity to pick up!

fragments of collisions of nights clouded your mind-

Nostalgia can kill! I say. 

but the killing isn't done as according-

its almost a form of homicide you see...

I will kill you with the fact 

that the outline of your life was framed with the hands of another,

then-

I'll kill myself. 

I hear,

I can't let you go without leaving myself!

I've dedicated the idea of reminding one they can never move on to you,

because your the one I saved darling!

The ditch was just a cover up, 

the dirt was an illusion...

I can take you again,

place your hands in mine!

I'll remind you what its like to lose your breath

to cry yourself to sleep over the pure fact that I’m not going anywhere!

I'm here with you forever and always, 

this is a long process you wont ever-

EVER-

get out of. 

I'll take your life into my hands and grip onto every sane thought you have left.

I will push you to the edge onto you can no longer see the earth beneath your feet.

...I hear

I-  

I will kill you. 

But not before you see, 

what I'm doing.

I-

I will kill you

but I will not be the one held responsible.

Part 6: Miscellaneous Cuttouts

I've always been searching for the one 'thing' the world revolves around.

Age 6 I would tell you the world revolves around happiness. Though at age 6 we all can't help but to think our dreams of astronauts and rock stars are still possible. We believe the things we hear about depression, violence, starvation and world hunger, poverty: could never happen to us. Not knowing half of what the real world can be and can do we think that to be happy is to be alive, happiness is what the world runs on. We thought that even though not everyone can be Mrs. America, we can still play dress up. Age 6 we don't even realize how lucky we are to have such the easy life we do. Easy as in simple,... simple. Age 6 we don't have the experience to realize just how good we've got it. 

Age 10 we start to hear how the big man doesn't really put the presents under the tree, the money exchanged for our teeth can't be a creature non-existent. This is the age where our ambitions change into teachers and NFL professionals, also the age of growing up. The big "10", 'youre getting so old!'

Now I'd like to think I can still hold onto the happiness as a kid, but I can't. The things that once made me happy now come off as wasted time. From the start we are told of lies, a good old 'And Happily Ever After!'

Age 15, right now, I would tell you that I don't become happy of lies. I spent too much time in previous years trying to change myself, so petrified of what others thought of me. I wasted excessive amounts of time changing my hair and cloths trying to be someone I wasn't. In those times I found, looking back, those were the times I was most unhappy. When I was trying to be something I couldn't simply becuase I wasn't.

Right now I could throw in my opinions on lots of things, lots. I could try to make a reasoning behind everything and every little 'I think' but it would be pointless.

I'm so many different people on the inside, I have found that I'm not just one piece.

 I'm a box of miscellaneous cutouts, waiting to be put in their place.  

Part 5: Thought Provoking Quotes: Analyzing

"My people are destroyed from lack of knowledge"- Hosea 4:6

We believe what we see is all we get, but thats the opposite of the truth. Our generation is destroyed in knowing the difference between what feels good and what is good. We are so caught up in ourselves we forget the beauty of life all around us. We have killed ourselves off out of ignorance and complete hatred of being told wrong, we are destroyed from lack of knowledge. 

We have destroyed the bit of life left in us. 

“The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.” -Terry Pratchett 

The mind works in many ways determining how you as a human function. We base ourselves off ideas building our character upon them, taking a stance on different outlooks. Depending upon how we were raised, or how we have tended to think throughout our childhood can greatly impact this.

“I think and think and think, I've thought myself out of happiness one million times, but never once into it."- Jonathan Safran

Thinking is a marvelous thing allowing us to achieve more than any literal action could ever do, then again over thinking can destroy us as a person. Over thinking everything can cause our minds to start running so fast you can't get it back, suddenly you begin to forget your original self. Not so much the amount of thinking, but the depth of thinking. If you sit and think about a shallow subject for hours on end, no harm done. A shallow subject will have nothing more to offer. But a deep subject full and vast in depth, with leave you with unanswerable questions.

“We are addicted to our thoughts. We cannot change anything if we cannot change our thinking.”-Santosh Kalwar

The more you think and think and think, thoughts control your mind and you miss the obvious pinpoint of the fact of the matter. If we look at an apple for example, and study it for hours the fact of the matter is an apple is round. Though one up for the debate will differ to think again and again trying to convince himself of something else. If we do not change our thought process and open ourselves up our viewpoints won't ever change.

“You're mind is working at its best when you're being paranoid.You explore every avenue and possibility of your situation with high speed with total clarity.”-unknown

Once again thinking for me personally causes me to analyze every single aspect of everything, paranoid. Over thinking can be a bad thing in a good way, taking precautions. When you're in a situation, exploration of option can perhaps be the best avenue.

“Perhaps the logical conclusion of everyone looking the same is everyone thinking the same.”-The Uglies

I absolutely am in love with this quote. Maybe the logic is right...

“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.”-Albert Einstein  

You go Albert, you go.

Part Four: The Pinpoint On the Globe

"Do what you love, and you will find a way to get it out to the world"-Judy Collins

Part of ourselves must be dedicated to what our desires are, as cheap as it sounds. If you aren't living for something, then whats the point? If your living life trying out things here and there to fit into the shape of others, your letting the confusion take over your time. You cant expect a history professor to know the physics of gravity, the equation doesn't fit. If I could give you one piece of my wisest advice I would share with you my friend, that you can't waste time. The more time that passes you and your sinking dreams pass right along with it, what will happen when the numbers on the clock run out? Personally, I face my enemy on a day to day bases, in which keeps me from achieving.

Nostalgia.

The want and desires of the future are blinded by my past and I cant seem to shake them. I think to myself: so many places, memories, times forgotten yet still lingering. The longing to go back to someplace in which will remain in rest forever and after now. I believe in my heart when something feels right, with the acknowledgment of truth then you must never let it go. Never let the memories in which are supposed to lead you to great things hold you back, yet here I sit. I'm ready to move on yet afraid to let go, my life is a living breathing contradiction. I know so much yet have experienced so little. People don't understand the demand in ones heart for a eternal longing unless they themselves have fulfilled the same feeling. Time is an imaginary factor in which we base the numbered years we have in this place, but so, oh so contradicting. We can't let hate and anger consume us with the thinking logic they will define us, as hard as it is too let things go. Typically we either look at 'letting go' as a positive self-esteem boosting factor, or a negative outlook showing weakness in moving on. 

It's hard to overcome 'getting over' things, especially in cases of dramatic change. When something has been the same for so long and suddenly changes it can cause one to find there selves  in a situation of confusion and sometimes void. Filling ourselves with whatever we can find, hoping numerous things will help us answer the questions thrown at us in every which direction. As a philosophical writer myself I tend to look at everything as a question of existence and being. I believe also, some things are just not meant to be discovered. We can try to find explanations to everything to why we are here, to the answers to our grade school drama. 

Often more times than not the greatest question proposed in philosophy is why we are here. 
What exactly is here? Is 'here' supposed to be Earth, the universe, our very location pinpointed onto the globe? Maybe we are 'here' to wonder why we are 'here'. Maybe the question in itself has indeed no answer.... 

'It is an hypothesis that the sun will rise tomorrow: and this means that we do not know whether it will rise.'-Ludwig Wittgenstein  

Do we really want to know?

Part Three: Happiness Has No Formula

I think that happiness is a hard thing to find, if your searching for it you must ask yourself; am I looking in the right places? The place that you hold passion and desire, where you find your soul burning with a fiery passion... this is the place. The place where nothing matters because your mind is your eyes, serving as a window frame concealing the outside world.

“You will never be happy if you continue to search for what happiness consists of. You will never live if you are looking for the meaning of life.” -Albert Cammus

Searching for happiness is what often is the fault, happiness isn't something you find. Happiness is something you experience. You can not grasp something without surrendering your hands, you have to open the window to see what life outside is like. Meaning in life is something that sadly, you find out in the end. When you hear death from down the hallway time seems to dissolve into the years before and you remember your first breath. You cant remember the hospital room or the faces, but you remember you first drop of air your lungs love so much. Meaning is whatever you make it, its not logical. Meaning in living is something different for every individual that we experience together as beings. When searching make sure not to look at the map as it is, look at it as it could be. Turn it around and take a back road- you never know what you'll find.

Happiness has no formula.

Part Two: The Big Idea

We always wonder why us as a human race can't seem to enjoy life, its either one thing or another. But in my mind the answer is obvious; relax. Time is passing, but you're not really losing anything. Time is only an imaginary thing made up of numbers and events.

By relax I don't mean "go take a nice bubble bath in a dimly lit room full of candles and enjoy life!", no. No. By relax I mean to take your mind off that one single subject and hope to find yourself viewing over everything, and looking at the big idea. Create a timeline full of good memories and places where they were made, the past can be somewhat therapeutic. I'm not saying everyone's past in woopdy doo perfecto, I'm just saying that in the end; our last moment, I hope we all can look back to that one single memory and think 'I'm gonna miss this'. If all we do is worry constantly then we our wasting that imaginary 'time' thing, time will run out and we'll have nothing to look back on.

If you Google (image) the word 'peace' other than the stereotypical hippie peace signs, I've noticed pictures of forms of nature appear. Lately I thought about why that was and I've configured its because nature simply does not think: it does. Maybe if we all just did what we know is good then peace wouldn't be as distant as it appears. I've underlined the word 'appears' because I really am wanting it alone to stand out. Things are only as distant as we ourselves make them, peace included. By peace I don't mean "now hug the person next to you because we all love each other and are new best friends!" By peace I mean we'll begin to learn and understand to appreciate others thoughts and feelings and maybe even accept that not everyone is the same as you. Not everyone thinks the same about topics and in a way that's good, controversy has taught us a thing or too. Perspective has come from controversy along with a new way of looking at things (to an extent that they aren't totally and ridiculously stupid).

“There’s something about sitting alone in the dark that reminds you how big the world really is, and how far apart we all are. The stars look like they’re so close, you could reach out and touch them. But you can’t. Sometimes things look a lot closer than they are.” -Kami Garcia  

This quote is one of my favorites. Honestly I know nothing of the author but that doesn't apply to me because I know I just simply like it because it makes perfect sense. We are small. I'll say that again, we ARE small. In this topic there's no controversy about it, it's a fact. Do you know what the closest star to Earth is? I bet you'll guess some crazy name you thought you may have heard during class sometime, but the closest star is actually the sun.

In space terms 'close' isn't on the scale to our idea of 'close'. NASA say's the 'closest' star to us is our sun, which is 93 million miles away. When I read that for the first time on NASA's website reality hit hard that I probably won't even make it to a different continent in this life, more the less 93 MILLION miles away. Million! I've always wanted to see something in life that gives me that 'aha' moment, makes me realize. I figure if I could see one of the most beautiful stars it would be less than a second before it hit me hard.  

I was on NASA's website and of all the photos this one

stood out, a million degree plasma cloud in the Orion nebula. For a second I thought and thought about what made it so special to my brain that I just couldn't stop looking at it. I then looked at the big idea, a star embracing another as if to show acceptance. The star (golden) is embracing the (blue) showing that though they are two indifferent, yet they together are both celestial bodies.

We are all humans sharing this world and recycling it as we come and go, so my misunderstanding is this; If the stars can share one universe and 'learn' acceptance then why as humans can't we? Peace as I referred to earlier isn't really that far off, its only around the corner. The problem is: which corner is it?

http://www.space.com/12605-50-deep-space-nebula-photos.html

Part One: The Belittled and Super Ego

Part One: The Belittled and Super Ego

"Meaning in life depends on the ideas we base our character on" 

It's hard to capture the true meaning to life when every individual is different. In our minds we make up different emotional attachments to objects, places, persons throughout our time. The true meaning to life is overall a much to general conception, too wide of range. Which is why the true question that lye's within us is, "what makes our self-worth?". Nathaniel Branden's book 'The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem' presents six main ideas that were written in a way to intentionally make you think about your inner self, and eventually learn six mutual ways to help you build your self-esteem. Branden throughout the book answers four question he presents in the introduction: What is self-esteem? Why is self-esteem important? What can we do to raise the level of our self-esteem? What roles do others play in influencing our self esteem?

Yet I present this question to you: Why is self-esteem seem to affect our ego?

We only are as great and powerful as we allow ourselves to think we are. Power is a great global subject among us today; election, democracy, monarchy, money, economy, government. Yet still there is only as much power within one man that to a certain extent it's only as imaginary as the remaining figment of our childhood dreams. Meaning in life depends on the ideas we base our character on, for example a man that bases his early years off politics, money, economy is most likely to develop a mind set for 'bigger is better'. This 'bigger is better' tactic will eventually cause a need for power as so to speak. Another example is one who grows up into a family based on the idea 'big things come in small packages', throughout their childhood they'll grow up with the idea that life is made of little things that make you happy.

Belittlement is the downside to power, one who thinks he over rules another will come easy to the idea of belittlement. Yet if the table was flipped and the belittled one became the ruler and the super ego became the lesser empowered, would the new ruler show empathy? The human mind is set up in a way that our natural instinct is to show empathy to those we favor, and show apathy to those we don't; Though guilt may have a significant impact. So let's say the guilt did its job on this newbie ruler, and empathy was shown to the lesser empowered. If things went back to originality would the original ruler thank the lesser? Or return to go about his original ways of high self-esteem and much prideful ego?

The plain sight is that the term 'love your neighbor as yourself' applies to every aspect of both pride and compassion. Pride and power will diminish a man down to the bone of a human being, but compassion and sincerity is what will restore him in a way that he too may begin to live the life he'd always imagined, and perhaps in some insane way: he'll enjoy it. Not worrying about the rulers over him, or the power he does not obtain. The only worry he'll have is to figure out where his self-esteem lays, so that he to will have an positive outlook on himself and the obligation to make his childhood fantasy's a reality.

"How do we keep our inner fire alive? Two things, at minimum, are needed: an ability to appreciate the positives in our life- and a commitment to action. Everyday it's important to ask and answer these question: 'What's good in my life?' and 'What needs to be done?'"
-Nathaniel Branden